Brand new life

My Mum is mad. Crazy mad. I’m twelve, right? And I wanted to walk round to my mate’s place. Her response, “Sure, I’ll get the dog, she needs a walk.”

“Na, its fine,” I say. “I can just walk there.” And her response? Any other Mother, if she wanted to make a thing of it, might mention the possibility of some local pedophile. tempting me with lollies. BTW, my mum thinks that’s completely absurd. So what pushes her button? “Aliens, you could be abducted by aliens.” She tells me in all seriousness – if perhaps a little a hysterical. How can you argue with a mother like that?

Anyway, I managed to convince her that there had been no recent sightings in the area – besides I would carry the Alien Repellent I found inside the ‘Mr Strong’ cup in my Christmas stocking. After a quick spray of repellent that was strangely reminiscent of my Dads musk deodorant, I was on my way.

Well, wasn’t I surprised when an alien spaceship landed right in the middle of Armstrong Way. I was beamed straight inside and confronted by two grey aliens with almond shaped eyes. The repellent was completely useless. I mean they got up close and personal, so they would have copped a good whiff of it. It didn’t even register. What a rip! We joked about it later in the Alien tea room. They really cracked up when I showed the spray bottle.

Well, the greys turned out to be really nice Aliens. They called themselves Mork and Martin. They said they’d spend hours researching American sitcoms to come up with non threatening alien names. Mork did a brilliant Robin Williams impersonation. Really I can’t believe what Mum was so worried about.

When we got down to business, they offered me one wish. Of course I tried the old trick of asking for further wishes, but they wouldn’t buy into that one.

Next I asked for some piece of technology that would make me rich. They shook their heads, sorry, they’d already given the Americans all they had. Everything’s already patented.

In the end, I asked them me to help with an ongoing problem, namely my mother. Was there anything they could do about her alien obsession. I told them about the hours she spent on the Internet checking out sites about Roswell, Area 51 and God knows what. They commiserated with me, and agreed the sites were appalling. Mork said they only had the sketchiest of information, and while mostly the stuff was true, it wasn’t even half of it. So they emailed me a link to their own Earth Alien Intel databases (AlienNet). Then they asked me if I could set up and run an Alien PR website. I could Skype them whenever I wanted at Mork.Martin.

Well, its been awesome. I have so many followers, the Google Ad money is literally rolling in, and the YouTube clips spontaneously go viral. My Mum is my biggest fan. We now live in a ginormous house at the top of The Outlook. I have an entire floor for my mates to come round for endless game playing and Role playing games. Our favourite is Aliens and Dragons – Mork and I created it. LIFE IS AWESOME. Mork and Martin have their own room there when they visit – there’s even a special place for them to park their spaceship on top.

My Mum is still mad and obsessed, but she’s pretty cool – just as long as she stays on her own floor and doesn’t hack into my Skype account, or get too chummy with Mork and Martin… Not so sure about her Thai cosmetic surgery to make her eyes almond shaped. Maybe it’s just the ridiculous grey make-up she wears.

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